


Only seeing myself when I'm looking up at you

by boy101



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, Short & Sweet, The tags makes it sound sad but it's not really, in a way i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 03:07:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7996324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boy101/pseuds/boy101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the earliest memories Hajime has with his best friend are the two of them on Tooru’s bedroom floor drawing. They'd draw their future house and their future pets and their future kids. Their future life. </p>
<p>Hajime remembers it as the most innocent happiness he knows he'll ever experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only seeing myself when I'm looking up at you

**Author's Note:**

> The title's from BLUE by Troye Sivan because titles are hard and that happened to be the song I was listening to when I was editing this and it sorta fit I guess?

“Do you remember that time when we were kids and we said we’d get married?” Tooru asks. They’re in Hajime’s small university dorm room. They'd spent the day together, making sure not to waste any of the time they had together before Tooru had to go back to his own university tomorrow.

“Yeah.” Hajime says, even if he's not entirely sure about what Tooru means with ‘that time.’ It wasn't really _a_ time, but rather something that went on for years.

Some of the earliest memories Hajime has with his best friend are the two of them on Tooru’s bedroom floor drawing. They'd draw their future house and their future pets and their future kids. Their future life.

Hajime remembers it as the most innocent happiness he knows he'll ever experience. Not knowing the difference between different kinds of love or that two boys can't have children or that houses like the ones they drew would put them in debt for the rest of their lives. All they knew were that their parents had told them that marriage and kids was something you did with someone you loved very much and wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Neither of them saw any reason for it not to be each other - they were best friends for a reason after all.

The illusion had been ruined for them when they were six and started school. Somehow their dreams for the future had come up in a conversation with their teacher. How it happened Hajime doesn't quite remember. He's pretty sure six year old Hajime, if still more innocent than most, had at least an inkling about the fact that two boys didn't get married or have kids - it was never something he'd seen or that anyone spoke about.

Their teacher had gently explained to the both of them the difference between different kinds of love and that two boys couldn't get married. That two boys didn't feel the marriage and kids type of love was also made clear. (That the houses they drew were economically unreasonable and that that many pets just wasn’t realistic was left for later discovery - not that it mattered after that anyway.)

A boy in their class had overheard the conversation and it spread fast. The relentless teasing didn't stop until Hajime punched the boy and Tooru got his first girlfriend. (It lasted less than a week but for a six year old it felt very serious.)

The two of them hadn't spoken about it since, but there was a quiet understanding between the two that they both remembered. Tooru’s question wasn't really a question, it was just to indicate that now was the time to talk about it.

Because really, he knew that Hajime remembered.

It was clear in how every time Tooru got a girlfriend Hajime would just tell him he'd have to buy his own ice-cream when it ended - playing it off as an insult to Tooru’s poor relationship history - and Tooru would just answer with a simple “I know.” Because he did know. He knew that it would end and that Hajime would be there. He knew he didn't even believe in the relationship himself. He knew Hajime didn't either.

It was clear in the way Hajime would answer “she's not my type” whenever anyone would point out a girl to him, no matter how the girl looked. The way Tooru would answer “I understand, she’s not really my type either” if it was just the two of them didn't need explaining, it just made sense.

It was clear in the way Hajime had come out to Matsukawa and Hanamaki (and in a way Tooru, even if he’d always just known). How when they'd teased him about never getting any girls and how he was falling behind Oikawa, they’d asked if he wasn't at least a little jealous always having so many girls around and never having any of them focus their attention on him. Hajime had just answered “I'm into guys anyway. I'm not jealous of Oikawa.” The unspoken ‘I'm jealous of the girls’ was only heard by Tooru. (Hanamaki and Matsukawa had both been surprisingly OK with it. After that they'd stopped pointing out girls and started pointing out guys instead. Hajime still only ever replied with “he's not my type.”)

It was clear in the way Tooru would sometimes come over to Hajime's house almost in tears, offering no other explanation than a curt “they just keep talking and I just keep staying the same” and Hajime would respond “that's OK” with a smile that said “I'm sorry it is like it is, but please don't change. It's good that you stay the same.”

It was perhaps clearest of all in the way they acted around each other when no one else was around. In the way their fingers brushed against each other when they walked but never intertwined. The way they'd sit close but never close enough to lean a head onto a shoulder or sling an arm around a waist. The way they'd catch the other staring and never question it. The way they were always close, but never close enough for anyone to teach them the different kinds of love there was in the world. Never close enough to cause problems that couldn't be solved with a punch or by kissing a girl.

Until now, it seemed.

“Yes, I remember that.” Hajime clarified, even if it wasn't strictly necessary.

“I still have the drawings. Most of them at least.” Hajime smiled. It was nice knowing that precious piece of his innocent childhood years were still left in the world.

He could hear Tooru take a deep breath. They both knew what was coming and yet it was still hard to vocalise. After so many years of never crossing that line it now felt less like a line and more like a hurdle the height of the houses they drew as kids.

“Were you as bad at drawing then as you are now? Or is my memory just always assuming the worst when it comes to you?”

Tooru smiled. “Probably. But yeah, I was pretty crap at drawing... I still think we were on to something though.” He said, looking out the window that was directly above Hajime’s desk. He was sitting in the office chair in front of it, Hajime sat on the floor by the bed.

“Yeah. Me too.”

No one said anything for a while. A calm that felt both relieving and like a storm was about to hit washed over them both. Tooru got up from his chair and walked over to his friend. Hajime uncrossed his arms and legs, Tooru sat down between them. Chest against chest with their arms around each other they sat on the floor, allowing themselves the contact and honesty they'd kept locked away for so long.

“I don't think I can tell my parents.” Tooru said into his friend’s neck.

“I know. I'm okay with that, but only if you are.”

“It's worth it. God Hajime, it's always been worth it.”

Hajime tightened his grip around the other. He didn't know how to express what he was feeling in words but he hoped and prayed his best friend understood anyway.

“For the record though,” Tooru said after they'd sat in silence for a while, “I'm still against getting pet lizards because that’s just weird but I'm willing to compromise and let you name one of the dogs Godzilla.”

Hajime laughed, his chest rumbling comfortingly against the other’s. “That sounds good to me.”

Tooru pulled away slightly to look at Hajime, resting his forehead against his. “We’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah.”

“And we'll get a house and dogs and adorable adopted kids and we’ll be happy.”

“Yes.” Hajime answered, even though it really wasn't a question. Tooru was tearing up and he could feel himself doing the same. “I promise.”

“I’m holding you to that.”

“Good.”

“I love you, Hajime.”

“I love you too, Tooru.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've had a fever for a whole week now and I'm really not feeling great so I intended to write fluff to cheer myself up but... Oh well. 
> 
> I hope you've all had a way better week than I have and if you haven't I hope it gets better soon ♥


End file.
